You are the ache in my back and the reason the doctor asked for a follow-up in one week/ You are the insect that sucks away and life I had in me and spits it out, as if I wasn’t even worth going down your throat.
I used to drum up somatic sounds to permeate deep into your ear canals and reverberate in your head until you couldn’t thing of anything but me. At least, that was what I hoped.
As time went on I realized that the reason I couldn’t write a poem about you was because I could never hope to craft something with my 10 fingers and 26 letters that could stand up to your soft strokes on a small screen with a pen that doesn’t write.
It’s funny how hard you tried to be perfect, as if some imaginary force would rip you from your slumber if you didn’t fix every mistake you thought you saw yourself make.
It’s also funny how I mimicked that behavior. I washed my hands, I folded the toilet paper, I fell slowly in love with you until there was nothing left except the wish to kiss your eyelids until you breathed out a gentle sigh and I knew it was me you were breathing in.
But I was unstable at the time, and I soon learned of a new term that defined me to a T. One of its meanings was finding intimacy in relationships that isn’t actually there. It came to me that I /didnt/ love you like /that/, but I still loved you nonetheless and just because I didn’t want to kiss you, didn’t stop me from becoming the wreck I am today.
I need to find someone who loves me as much as I love me, and you are just not going to cut it. You can keep ignoring my messages, I need to get over the rip that I hear inside when hours; days pass before I hear the words “I was busy.”
You can fake it until you make it, I suppose that’s what they say. But sometimes faking it is the perfect way to get under my skin like the bugs I hallucinate every night when I stay up past 2 am that dig their way out and I can do nothing but lay there with my eyes open and feel the excruciating pain of being twisted from the inside out.
I guess all this poem really means is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry but I’m going to keep coming back to you no matter how hard you push away. Because if there’s anything that word taught me about myself, it is that I am selfish and care about myself first and foremost.